Just Ranting~ ignore if you are smart!

There is nothing much to talk about recently. Being so addicted to anime AGAIN all of a sudden, I lost all my desire in working on my assignment. Feeling guilty, I watch more to release stress. What am I doing? 


The feeling of doing something I am not currently doing is so very very very very strong at this moment that I don't feel like doing any other things. Why must this kind of feeling have to appear now and then? I know it will disappear after sometime, but right now, it is not. I am feeling damn not motivated. What I want to do now is not what I am currently doing. Is this stupid or what? 


I am in the mood for lazing around, playing the piano, watching dramas, sleeping, eating. Not thinking about anything in particular. In short, I need a break. So soon? It is just 1 1/2 months since Christmas Break.. I wonder what's going to happen to me. 


The problem is, I don't feel that the workload had increase while it should be. It is nearing the end of term 2, stage 2 of my MA course, but I don't feel any rush for completing my design or my dissertation. It should! What's my problem? I am still so carefree and bouncing here and there while the time continue passing. This is absurd. I need to get a grip or I am going into the pits. 


I know. I know. I just need to stop lazing and work on my project. I tell myself this all the time. But when I sit in front of my sketch book, I just feel like, tearing them apart. >_<


Sometimes, I wonder, am I choosing the right path? Do I really like design?


It's so stupid! Being in the design field for the 6th year, I still doubt it? Furthering my studies in design should confirm that I have chosen it. Why still doubt it from time to time? Is this how human mind is suppose to work? Always being unsure and undecisive? or is it just me? I just don't know.


My lecturer once look at me and said to me, "This is a good work. You should have more confident. Yes. You listen to us and you did your work. So you should have confidence." (He is looking at my halfway written dissertation)


I just smile sheepishly. 


I don't really think I can believe what he is saying, that my work is good. In a way, lecturers over here, generally praise your work and keeps encouraging you. Uptill now, I still haven't heard a word of 'no good'. At first, I do think this is something good, as compare to the kind of lecturers that I have back in KBU which will keep suggesting that my work is a work of rubbish. However, after hearing these praises on and on, I begun to doubt their sincerity. The work might just be the 'OK' kind but they will say, great work! This is good! And etc. After a while, I am not sure whether it is just a regular word to use to describe our work or is it really praising. 


You can't blame me for not having confidence in my work, since no one ever say that my work is 'OK' at all, not to mention 'GOOD!' 


4 years in KBU teaches me to be humble and not to expect too much. No matter how much effort was pour into it, during presentation, everything would turn out to become a disaster. Never was there once a word of praise for my work. 


Now that I think of it, with my this history, I shouldn't continue with my design should I? Not being able to draw or sketch, not doing my 3D well (I forgot all my 3dmax), this is not what a designer should have. 


So, if I did not continue with my design, what will I be? 


It is too late to start another career. And I did not think of other career before at all. Since SPM, I know 100% that I am not going into Business-related-course, nor Account-related-course, and since my UPSR, PMR and SPM science subject all get  a B (and it is all because of the stupid Science subject that I couldn't get straight As in my exams) I wouldn't ever think of taking a Science-related-course. 


What else is there left? 


While considering which course to select, all I think of is only 2. Music and Design.


Maybe I should have chose the other road back then? Would I now be different? 


Remind me of the poem "The Road Not Taken"


However, it is too late to think about that. Furthermore, if I have chosen Music, I might not be able to get far as well. Since I don't play them very well at all. Oh well. Everything had already been changed. 


Before coming here, someone told me (when we are discussing whether or not I should go abroad for my studies) that going abroad doesn't make any difference to my life if I am planning to escape from the boring working life to go study. Coming back, I will still need to find a job and everything would be the same again. It will not do just to escape.


She maybe right. I am escaping. 


Time really does rocket pass. It had already been 6 years. Nearly 6 years then. Started my foundation in 2006. First year at the end of 2006 till 2009. Started working end of 2009 till mid of 2010. Abroad for continuing studies at the end of 2010 till now. Very long way, but it seems just yesterday. Never even noticed it had already been so many years if I did not count. What have I done all this while? Nothing. Nothing accomplished accept finishing my degree. What is there to shout about? My result is not stunning. Just the-acceptable-standard-work. Did not do well in the industry as well as I quitted my job after just 9 months and came to the UK, as a relieved from the boring office work. Speaking of famous designers, I can just 'O' my mouth as I don't even recognise their name at all. Stupid me! BAKA!


baka baka baka baka baka!!!!!!