It's just some random talk with one of my friend just now.. about tomorrow being Monday blues.
And I mentioned to her that in actual fact, every working day will be BLUE. The only difference is there is a different shades of blues for everyday.
She agreed and say that Monday has the darkest blue of all. XD
It leads me to think that isn't that true? No matter whether you love your job or not, as long as you know you are going the spend your day at work and not being able to do things you wanted to do, it will be tough. Love your job and it might be a lighter blue. But still blue.
Holiday? Red? or Pink?
But then, those traditional tear-off calender.. weekdays are always green and weekends are red. That is why everytime I see red I feel happy and excited. But then, I never hated green. Haha.. Ok..a little out of topic.
It's just that I had not written anything for quite sometime and I think it is time I resume writing as this is the only place I can pour my heart into and not worry about whether I get my grammar or tenses right. I just want to rant.
I think.. I need to admit. I'm getting old. Literally and physically.
I rarely get excited over any matters anymore. I might be happy and excited but not excited excited anymore. (Am I making sense?) it's just that I don't dare to get excitedly anticipating or having high expectations because I'm afraid to be disappointed like I did so many times before.
I don't have many energy anymore for bring jumpy and bubbly all the time. After a whole day work, I just don't have the energy or mood to do anything else other than just sit and watch my dramas.
I envy. I envy people that do so well in their career. I envy those that are successful. I envy those that are so loveable. I envy people surrounding me. I can't get satisfied with what I have anymore.
I get over sensitive over small tiny matter. I don't like it when people stare at me. I get angry when other driver over-take me. I get agitated when someone hone me. I dislike it when people don't remember what I said.
I really don't understand myself anymore. I am afraid. I tried not to be anything like the above. I noticed I changed after I'm back from uk. I don't like it. But my will power to change is just so weak.
I'm hating myself at times.
What am I doing?
I was browsing through my photo albums.. photos taken last year.. in UK. Suddenly feel teary eyes. I just fully realised I not only missed my life as a student at Nottingham. I also miss all my friends that I met there, the activities that I do there, the experience that I really really enjoyed. I do wonder.. maybe I should have stay at UK. I don't know.
The feeling of being betrayed is.. B-A-D
The truth is, I'm not sure whether I'm being betrayed or I'm sure there's something that had happened without my knowledge.
Yea.. It might not have reach the stage of using the word 'betrayed' but that's what I'm currently feeling.
It's when someone you trust, who had seem to have help you a lot and given you lots of advice and suddenly you realise, that her intention might not be 100% favouring you.. It do hurt.
Their intention may not have hurt you physically but then.. You have place all your trust on that person, believing all that she said and do was for your own benefit.
And then, you realise it may not all be the truth. She may have another intention.
Just meet up with the contractors this evening regarding the construction of my very glamorous wardrobe, my bookshelves and my very cute shoe rack.
Finally settle down on their quotation..
They came with 3D today. Cause I request it from them. The following is our conversation earlier.
Me: hi, can you show some drawings when you come with the quotation?
C: er... What type of drawing? We just quote according to your design wor...
Me: yes, but the measurement and other details was not accurate ma.. So we wanted to see it more clearly do that there is no misunderstanding ma... Furthermore, my dad also want to see some visual so that it is clearer..
C: oh.. Lik tat la.. Ok la. we will show u the drawings.
Then, this evening.. They come with laptop. And show the 3D through sketchup.. Exactly the same as the 3D I gave them as ref. I was actually expecting some 2D drawings or even better rendered 3D visuals.
He just show through the sketchup.. Just like this afternoon earlier where the students keep talking and rotating their space in sketchup and lecturer insist that they at least render the space.
Anyway.. Will show you my design here soon.. ^^
Oh.. So that is why we had such a late dinner today.
I am now heading towards the third month of my new job.
I had avoided blogging about it since the first day as I really do not know what I actually feel or think about it. I had avoided even thinking deeper about it.
Now, it had already been nearly 3 months. Time do flies. I think I had better record down some of my thoughts as I am pretty sure I will forgot all about it in.. few months time.
My new working environment isn't really new. It is quite familiar but at the same time, new. I know I'm not making any sense but it is true. I'm really familiar with some of the staff as well as the building but I'm currently on the other side of the .. 'scene'. So..
Coming back from the UK, I've decided not to go back into the industry. Or rather, I decided to try another type of job. I have to admit that I'm still not very sure I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. I still wonder if I should get back into the industry. Is that for me? I really don't know.
One think I'm very sure is, I'm pretty happy to go to work these days, which doesn't apply when I worked previously before I went to UK. It definitely is a change of environment, job scope, people I'm dealing with and the experience I'm gaining.
There's still so much to learn. I'm really trying hard to not make a fool of myself infront of people. It's hard as I'm actually doing something I did not ever imagine myself doing at all. Until I was offer for it. I tried hard to make myself presentable and also pretend to look confident over matters. I tried to learn more and be more bold at handling different situation. I'm really trying. It's been a few months. I really do hope I did not make a fool of myself.
I seem to have avoided mentioning what I'm actually doing now. To
speak write the truth, I actually do not really want to let people know of my job. It's not that I'm ashamed of it. I am proud of my work. Don't get me wrong. It's only that people seems to look at me in a weird way when I tell them. It's like:
you work as a L*******???!! But you are so young? Are you serious?
Really? But you are so quiet. The quiet type. Can't really imagine it..
L******* ar? Are you sure? You doesn't look like it wor....
On the other hand, I'm actually quite enjoying what I'm currently doing now. I may not be doing it very well but at least I'm actually doing something that I have interest on, something I will really put effort in. That's a good start isn't it?
Sometime, I did think about the future. (If the world did not end) What will I be doing in the future? I did have a vague idea of what I want to do but as experience tells me, what I will be doing will not be what I imagined I will be doing. So..
Anyway, I had started again my piano classes. I really do hope to get my ATCL soon. I had put it off for too long. I'm afraid if I put it off again, I will never reach it. The next one is my violin. I still had my Gr8 to go for. Which I thoroughly do not have any confidence. I always wanted to play in ensembles but sadly, most of my friend aren't into them. It is either they are not playing music or they do not want or cannot play together. I just hate it. Why learn if you don't want to play?! In a way, I'm scolding myself as well! >_<"
So, that's so far my progress since I'm home.
On another note, I really do miss my UK student life. It had been tough at times, but most of the time, I do enjoy what I'm experiencing there. I'm thinking whether I will get another chance to go back or not. Maybe another place? Another subject to study? Music this time? France?