Sunday, September 11, 2011

What do I want?

It had been almost a week since I'm back from my Europe trip. And I've just noticed I had neglected this blog for a long time..nearly 2 months. Time really does flies. While writing the previous post, I'm still saying goodbyes to my lecturers and classmates. I'm still with Fiola and Xian. Still there's a few classmates left around to have dinner together. There's still SC to look forward to. Still the Europe trip to enjoy.


I am all alone already.

Said bye to Fiola the day I met SC.
Said bye to Xian the day we left for Europe.
Said bye to SC just few days ago.

Time really does flies.

Now, I'm counting the days left for me to fly back Malaysia. I started to miss everyone so much. By everyone, I means friends and family, both UK and Malaysia. After SC left, I am so free and bored. Nothing to do. Nothing to explore. Only left packing which can't be done until almost the last few days.

Today, I walked around the city center just to past time. Walk and walk, with my headphone on. Since I'm alone, I doesn't want to feel the loneliness, I need some music. (I never needed those weeks ago.) Past by random shops, and memories floods into my mind. How we use to shop like crazy in H&M, how we use to mused over the silly designs of novelty products, how to use to have some cheap lunch at the bar, how we use to just walk around, just to spend the Saturday afternoon together, and then back home for steamboat. I really miss those time now. Never realised, I was so lucky. To have them around me, to talk to, to laugh together, to discuss problems. Now that everyone is back home, I wonder, why am I still here?

Mom and Dad ask me whether I want to just change the ticket to an earlier date since I've nothing to do here. But, I'm quite reluctant to leave as well. I'm not sure what I wanted to do here anymore, since, there's really nothing to do. I can't shop because it will be impossible to bring back more stuff (as my luggage is already overweight), I do not have any assignment, I don't have anyone to ask for lunch. What else left to do here? I really don't know.

To settle the bank account, to pack stuff?

I'm not sure.

I'm just.. not ready to leave this place yet. This place which have given me so much experience and memories. This place which I never thought I would love and be comfortable living in.

Don't get me wrong though. I miss my home. I wanted to be home. I miss my family and my dear friends back home. I wanted to eat so many type of foods, and to enjoy the comfort of my messy room. It's just that, I know I will not be back here to live like I do now, that make me reluctant to just pack and go.

Back home, there's many realities waiting for me to face. Am I ready for them yet? I've been avoiding them for a year now. Do I still want to avoid them? Can I avoid them forever? Or, will the reality actually doesn't hurt if I face them bravely? Should I?

I really don't know.

Suddenly, I feel, I'm at the crossroad again.

The same poem applies to me again.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, 
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that had made all the difference.

If I'm going to take the one less traveled by, will that changed everything? Will I think to myself; ages and ages hence, I took the one less traveled by and it had caused everything today.

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