Bottom of my Heart

It seems like this blog is cure of those stupid errors.. anyway, since no one ever come here anymore, here's a chance for me to talk freely.

These days, I am feeling sooo stress. I just hate what I am doing. I don't want to do anymore work.

But

I want to graduate. Is it really that hard to concentrate? to work hard? to be happy?

Everytime I do, I feel stress. I feel sad. I feel fustrated.

I just don't want to do.

Which leads to me doing other things. I played the piano, violin, guzheng, nds. I watch tv. I eat. I go shopping.

I just don't want to do work. Until the very very very last minute. I'm doing my work very badly these days. Leaving all those works until few hours before tutorial to do my assignment. This means I did not put any effort into it at all. I hate it!


I hope I can do something to change my attitude. But I don't have the heart at all. Everything seems to happen. I can't concentrate.

Furthermore, violin exams is on 23rd, this month.. which is 2 weeks later. And again, I AM NOT PREPARED!

I don't want to fail AGAIN. Not to mention about the exam fees, where should I hide my face is I fail AGAIN? what can I do?

I did try to practise and practise. But I found out that I don't have any talent at all. My teacher says that I did not put any feeling into the piece. But I did try. When I concentrate on having my pitching right, I did not have the concentration to put the feeling. I am feeling such a failure. Sometimes, I can get the tune right. Another time I played so badly she had to ask me whether I practice or not.

WHY?

Why must I struggle like this? I got a choice. I can just quit. But when don't I quit? I don't know. I really don't know.

Friends always say 'wah.. u play this and play tat. so clever. so hebat. so geng. so good.'

I always very very sincerly told them I play very very bad and stupid at those. I am not up to those average standards at all. However, none of them understand. None of the believe. Why can't they believe me? It make me feel more and more worse when words of praise comes. That's y I try to avoid letting other people know what I'm learning. Since it is nothing to be proud of.

I often hope that I can very proudly tell people I play the piano and violin. But I never have the opportunity. I only tell people I play the piano and violin very badly. and in embaressment!

Like my piano teacher, she doesn't know I play the violin. And I hope she won't know until I am proud of it.

What is happening to me?
What is becoming of me?
What am I going to do?
What to do?
What????!!!